Justin's Day

Today was a rough day. Or rather I should say that there was a rough episode in the midst of the day. Today was the memorial for Wende's only son Justin - who passed away last Friday in his sleep. This afternoon was tough because of the pain felt by so many family and friends. It was inspiring in the sense that so many people showed up to support the family and celebrate Justin's life. It was also a beautiful day. Sunny, slighly chilly and a little windy with the waves crashing on the beach at Del Mar. I thought I spotted Justin in the wisps of a cloud overhead. He was an ethereal cloud set a part from the rest of them with the sun shining on him alone. While the rest of the sky was bathed in an opaque white and blue,  Justin beamed a bright white/yellow light as if to say, I am here, I am watching, I see you.

I was touched to see and hear all who spoke.  At the funerals I've attended in the past, most of them of a catholic nature, there are only 2 speakers - the priest who barely knows the deceased and a family friend/relative who gives the memorial. But today we got to hear from Wende, Paul, her parents, all of Justin's friends, and even his estranged father. This act of speaking became a catharsis for all to share in as family members and friends were able to speak and share their pain publicly.  There were a myriad of voices, each different, each with an opportunity to speak his/her pain. I was also inspired by the way Justin lived his life and in the lives he touched. I felt the pain of Wende's mother - speaking about her daughter and lost grandson. I thought of Paloma and how much pain she would be in to lose her son. It hurts so much to see those you love in pain. It's horrible. You want to take it away somehow. You want to suffer in their place. I was moved by the picture of Wende holding Justin as a baby. This struck more than any of the other pictures. It's that moment of holding a newborn that encapsulates all the anxieties of a parent but also all the joy and hope for the future. Soon that baby begins to grow and morph into someone totally independent and utterly physically different. At that moment of holding the baby, we have no idea what the future holds, how it will all end. If someone had told Wende in that moment that she will only have 18 years to love her child, how would she have done things differently? How would any of us? The challenge is that none of us are graced with that foresight. We can only live as if we only have 18 years. All we can do is live as if today is our last day. All we can do is to try and live as Justin had done - to the fullest.